Lifelesslessons Blog

So my buddy Dan just spent countless hours writing about some of the movies he hates. No doubt, this took him a long time because of how many crappy movies there are out there. I mean, you can’t really write about the OBVIOUSLY terrible movies (Dudley Do Right, Anything involving Johnny Knoxville, Transformers ((or should I say Michael Bay’s green screen)), and any sequel that wasn’t written as a book first). There’s just no point because I think everyone already hates these movies, at least on the inside.

But as much as I hate some of these awful peices of so-called ‘art,’ I also love some things that everyone else seems to hate. Right now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I love all this non-sense merely BECAUSE everyone hates it, and I want to be different. Mostly not true, but I guess I do find it more attractive if I think it’s purely mine. I mean, in high school I found out about yellowcard very early. I was so glad to be their fan. Then Ocean Avenue came out and everyone wanted to be out surfing along the California boardwalk. All of a sudden, I’m not one of those people. Oh yeah, and did I mention that I hate violin?

Anyway, on with the list already.

Movies that can be converted back to VHS for all I care, because I’ll never watch em again:

1. King Kong

The only thing King Kong had that I liked was dinosaurs. But let’s face it, it didn’t even have my FAVORITE dinosaur (veloci-raptor, duh)  But seriously, I honestly wonder how long that movie is. Do you remember in Resident Evil, where some random people give this girl a drug and she wakes up with no one around and its all dark outside. She doesn’t know how long she’s been out?

Yeah, well by the end of King kong, I walked out of the theatre and it was all dark. I didn’t know how long I had been in that stupid theatre. And I felt I had been drugged with some drug that makes you wanna vomit with exhaustion. I TRIED to like that movie. It has Colin Hanks and Jack Black in it. But frankly, they were horrible. Watching Jack Black try to act serious is like watching that puppet from “Saw” do an Irish jig. You just cant take it seriously.

2. Lady in the Water

wait, THIS is the same guy that did the Village? now that I cant beli….wait, what? did you just say this is the same guy that did unbreakable?! I don’t think that can be possi….hold on now Henry! You CANT tell me that this is the same guy that did The Sixth Sense!!! Is this one of those tricks where like the whole time I’m thinking your telling me the truth, and at the end you’re lying to me? Isn’t that the plot for sixth sense? Okay, Okay I believe that this is true. But still, I just didn’t think Paul Giamatti would do a film this terrible. Ohhhhhh, so this is what you call a post-oscar type of role. Where you get to be very selective and all that kinda stuff.

If you’re thinking about seeing this film because M. Night Shamalayanmans directed it, Don’t. Save yourself the rental fee. And if you rent from netflix, save yourself the trouble of having to write “return to sender” on the envelope. You know how sometimes people build a reputation for producing good products, and then one day you realize you should have sold high? Yeah, like Hewlitt Packard. This is the type of director I’m urging you to sell immediately.

3. Any movie not named “Disturbia” that Shia Lebouf is in.

Eagle Eye–”Oh no! The Bush administration is spying on everyone and calling it the Patriot Act! Let’s make a movie about it and act like its the coolest thing alive!”

Ok, we get your political statement. You don’t like Bush spying on you. But I’m gonna tell you right now, the only act of patriotism regarding this movie is not seeing it. If the plot wasn’t bad enough, you have technology that can follow you everyone you go. And the ending (spoiler alert. Although, the movie sucks anyway) is that a robot is trying to run the country. Like we haven’t seen that one before Will Smith. (I just thought of this. All movies that end with robots trying to take over sucks. Because I mean, has anyone seen Stealth? I only wish that movie would have been stealthy enough to allow me never to see it. Thanks Jessica Biel. After all that work building an honest reputation on 7th Heaven, you go and blow it with a high-flying filth collector of a movie. You’re not so hot anymore, are you Mary?)

Transformers: You suck. If I wanted to watch GC all day, I’d just play halo.

You know Shia, you really ruined it. YOu were so good in Even Stevens. Try and pick better roles, because athough you’re scoring Megan Fox, I’m starting to question whether you take yourself seriously.  Get it together man!

Today, I shall relate to you a story for the ages. I guess when I say ‘ages’, it might mean ages 4-11, because I’m not sure if anyone older than that will appreciate it.  But on we go on this roller coaster adventure.

Here’s the thing: My roomate Phil and I decided that we were gonna go to allllll the activities in the ward, including, but not limited to: iceblocking, pizza parties, ice-cream socials,fondue parties, service projects, softball games, flash-light volleyball, and even scavenger hunts. Yeah, I said it. Scaa-venn-ger–hunts. I know what you’re thinking, because Phil and I were thinking the same things: I do not want to go to a scavenger hunt.

Let me explain to all of you what this type of scavenger hunt entails. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean chasing rainbows and finding elves; it doesn’t mean finding fifty doll hairs dollars after looking for the next clue. This particular scavenger hunt involves me, and six other people, going onto the BYU campus and finding things that some anonymous Wizard-of-Oz person made up. When we find that particular monument, we take a picture with the whole group huddled around it. For instance, one of the things we had to find on campus was a caffeinated beverage. Guess what? BYU doesn’t sell anything with caffeine on campus. Not only does this effectively eliminate my diet-cola fix every day, but it also doesn’t sit well for a scavenger hunt. Also, we had to take a few pictures of us running and doin weirdo things. Here are some examples:

Anyway, so were trampin’ across campus and there’s this very steep, but short grassy hill. There are a group of eager spectators watching SOMEthing go down this hill, so we stop to investigate. One of the guys who’s standing there says to me, “Are you guys freshman”? My reply was a condescending “no.” I made sure to add extra oil and vinegar to that emphatic ‘no,’ just to make sure he got the point. So he said, ‘Oh, well we are, so we do stupid things.’ As if it weren’t already self-evident. But alas, here I was participating in a scavenger hunt, so what could I possibly say to the kid? Anyway, he tells us that him and his two buddies were gonna back up, run about 20 feet, and jump headfirst down this hill and see what happened. They told us to watch. So they do it. Well, one of the kids is flying down that hill so fast that he ends up backwards. at the bottom of this hill was a lush garden filled with flowers, and surrounding it is a nice, thick layer of landscape curbing, aka cement. So the kid flys backwards, and his head picks up some centripical force or whatever, and slams into the curbing.

game over.

Well maybe not over completely. He still gets a number of back-up lives I’m sure. But here’s the thing. His skull was definately cracked, and blood was definately flowing out of that crack. Another guy takes off his white shirt, puts it on the kids head, and the shirt fills up with blood within like 30 seconds. I’m not totally freaking out, but I can see there should be a sense of urgency. So i go ahead and call the paramedics, as they like to be called. They take a good country minute to get there. And the kid seems to be in good hands, although Allstate might disagree with that statement. We decided it wasn’t good for our health to sit around and wonder what happened, so we took off to our next objective. And on with our mundane, extravagant lives.

I hate freshman. And not all of them, no, no…not all. But when these guys were preforming their high-wire tricks, they had a crowd filled with young girls who admired everything these guys did, down to the way they blinked. So these dudes were out to impress the females, and soon found out that their stunts revealed what they really are. People incapable of making a logical choice.

Indeed, the urge to impress truly imprisons us. After all, ‘it is much easier to resist the first urge than to say no to all the following ones’

So yes, I went on a scavenger hunt. And yes, it was sorta a lame thing to do. But no, I didn’t try to impress anyone, and no, I didn’t crack my head open. So thank goodness for that.

BYU. sheeeesh.

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